You Call that a Pick up line?
by hungrytiger11
Summary: In which Naruto picks up a sugar mama, school reform is discussed, and Shikamaru gets a kiss.


"Naruto, go pick that woman up."

"What? No way, dattebayo! She's older than Tsunade-obachan!"

"Naruto!"

Ino whipped around, ponytail smacking into Shikamaru's face. He wished for second he had the Yamanaka clan's abilities, so maybe he could warn his friend to keep his damn mouth shut and do as he was told. Then again, you'd think seeing someone get whipped in the head with hair would be warning enough to shut your trap around the hair-owner.

Instead, Naruto decided at that moment to live up his school-days nickname of Dead Last.

"Ino" he said seriously. "Lighten up. You're scaring off all the cute chicks!"

So much for developing spontaneous telepathy. Or, in Naruto's case, a brain. Shikamaru sighed and ordered another round of drinks for all three of them. More alcohol was definitely going to be needed tonight. They needed to get Naruto that sugar mama. That top-government-offical, secret-keeping sugar mama. Somehow, this goal seemed a little too optimistic, even if Tsunade _did_ threaten them that Naruto must pass this mission. Why did they have to proctor Naruto's jounin exam? The man was hopeless.

"That woman," Ino hissed, yanking Naruto forward by his collar. "Is a top advisor in the government's legeslative branch. She is a high-powered, but incredibly _lonely_ woman with the secrets we need and a taste for young, dumb arm candy. Get. Your. Butt. Over. There. Order her a drink. Bat your eyes. Let her take you home, have sex and then ram sack the place for the papers we need. I want to get on the road home tonight."

"Shit, Ino! I'm not going to-" Naruto paused, as if possibly embarrassed, then lowered his voice and leaned in closer so that the two were nose to nose. Shikamaru was going to have to break up their little love-fest soon. They were attracting too much attention for an undercover job. "I'm not going to go sleep with some chick for secrets. Especially not one old enough to be my mom!"

Shikamaru glanced back over at the woman. Not being into cougars he could get, everyone had their own tastes, but that woman was sooo not "mom" material. Ino released Naruto's collar, making a show of wiping her hands on a napkin, as if she'd touched something contaminated, while the bartender set down drinks. She stirred hers, suddenly all at ease as she turned to Shikamaru.

"See, Shikamrau? This is exactly what your mom and I were talking about last Sunday- school reform. As kunoichi, we've been taught since we were seven that we could be called on to do... well, all sorts of dangerous, and what I would dare say Naruto might term as "disgusting" things in the line of duty. This lady looks nice, not even the type to be into kinky stuff. Watch my things. I'll go to the bathroom and get into disguise. Seems like I gotta do everything myself."

"Ino," Shikamaru said tiredly. Really? She thought Naruto was going to fall for that? But he got no farther before she cut him off.

"Sorry sweetie. I think you might look too...manly. Not the boyish type she goes gaga for, you know?"

And then she kissed him on the cheek before practically skipping down the hall. He rubbed right where her lips had been. Why did she always do that? Even more important, why did it always _work_? It was just a kiss on the cheek, damnnit!

He got so distracted arguing with himself over the dangers of a too-pretty-teammate that Naruto was mid-sentence by the time he noticed he was being spoken to.

"Hey! Hey, man, what did she mean, they always know about this stuff?"

"Who knows what?"

"The girls do..." Naruto waved his hand over towards the woman. "They do this stuff?"

He sighed. Three years training on your own with a Toad Sage really did keep you sheltered about what real missions required you to do. Then again, jounin exams were always suppose to be the type of missions you were worst at. His own was horrifically similar.

"Everybody does stuff, Naruto. Look, that lady wants to be a sugar mama. You go. Make her happy for a night. She'll call you pretty and buy you drinks. You have some so-so sex most likely but, you get the goods. Its just the job. That's all, just the job."

"Its the off-the-job stuff that counts, right manly-man?" Naruto said, reaching out to rub his knuckles against where Ino had kissed. Then he threw back his shot and looked Shikamaru right in the eye.

"Alright. Here I go!"

And ten minutes later, when Ino sauntered out of the bathroom looking more or less the same as when she went in, she leaned over, kissed his ear and said, "Looks like we'll be welcoming another one to the ranks." 


End file.
